memoirs of mellow

Time to evaluate... :(

2006-10-23T14:57:00.000-07:00

It's now 6 am in my part of the world and i don't feel the least sleepy or tired despite having a full day of events... sigh...

Went to a bbq party earlier and had a great time catching up with old frens, drinking and playing dice.. seeing how various pple have progressed, moved on, make life changing decisions, i started to ponder and tried to take stock about my own life. Then i realised that my brain has been in snooze mode for way too long. Did it snooze before i left the force or after? well... more likely before, occasionally waking up from my snooze but quickly fall back to sleep. With some new goals set recently, i hope it'll slowly pull me out of comfort zone and start utilizing my brain more. For now, i'll take some baby steps...

Anyways... thanks ah chye for organising the bbq and happy bday to you and your wife. (they have the same bday.. hee hee)

Well.. after the bbq, i went to velvet and it was just so packed and boring, so i hop over to phuture hoping that it'll be better.. well.. no... then i headed to zouk which was the worst cos apparently "Sasha" was spinning, and there was hardly any space left on the dance floor. Clubbing is really not my cup of tea, at least for now. Was it cos i partied too much when i was younger? Am i really getting old? Nowadays, i prefer to just sit around and drink, play games and chat. geez... i sound old...

Rusty is back to his normal self again.. always looking for food. wonder if i'm under feeding him. Dun think so.. hopefully not. after the "tumour/balls at his chest" incident, i've been addicted to trim his fur, and it sure irritates the hell out of him.. ngiak ngiak...

My bed is empty tonight... maybe that's why i'm still up. I'm tired bb.. really tired.. but i can't sleep. my mind is empty liao.........

and for Jaime(who is going to Taiwan later in the day...),

"Men! You can't live with them, can't live without them!"

mel - lost in the lallang...

2006-09-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

Just got back from a fren's house and boy do i smell!!! i smell like the house!! smell like a public toilet! Geez... i really hope that they'll clean up the place real soon... it's getting pretty unbearable. Imagine they have a sofa that can sit at least 9-10 pple but now it can probrably sit only 3 cos the 'dog' pees on the sofa... omg... i could barely stay in the kitchen for more than 1 min cos of the stench of the pee on the floor. I'm sure the 'dog' has pee-ed at some obscure place and has dried up.. hence there are no longer traces of it... i could go on and on and on.. i guess i should stop for now. Hope they can sort this out earlier and start living in a cleaner environment.

i realised after i finished blooging the last time that i forgot to write abt my little 'surprise' birthday which was like a month ago. ah ha ha... well.. a week before the party, i was invited to my fren's house to do our weekly trio drinks and bitching session.. unsuspecting me of course agreed. On the day of the party, addy sms me and said : are you joining us for mel's surprise party tonight. ah ha ha... there goes the surprise man... and so i decided to surprise everyone.. guess what i did? I cleverly went to perm my hair. omg!!! disaster!!! hated it at first... but i've grown to like it much more... anyway, i just want to say a BIG Thank You to my beloved frens for throwing me the surprise party.. ( i thought that i'll just quietly turn 30..hee) though i have no idea who started it... i think one of them should be nana... but well... thanks to all who turned up and celebrated with me too. muaks. will have loved to post some pics.. but well.. remember the curly hair? hmmm.. the pictures are no no man...

So Oct 3rd is just round the corner and now i have mixed feelings. the once enthsiastic me have lost it. For those of you who already know, the words "I miss you" no longer hold the same meaning for me anymore. How would you feel if you tell your loved one, i miss you and he says ya i know, you tell me that every freaking day? Will you still miss that person? well.. for me, i'll stop missing that person for sure. i'll think about him, but i dun think i'll miss having him around anymore. i felt really hurt. really hurt, it stabbed right through my heart. It's like telling someone i love you and he gives you a slap! ouch!

Was having a casual conversation the other day and he was describing confidence level in a relationship is in a shape of a fuel tank. when it gets below a certain level, it'll start falling much faster than it used to. ah ha ha.. i thought it was damn true.. when i think of my fuel tank, i always feel damn happy travelling the first 100km.. cos the needle hardly drops.. but once it passes the 1/2 mark... it just drops and drops... and before you know it, the light comes on!!! sheez

when will you know you've tried your best? i guess you'll never know.. if the feeling is not right, no matter how hard you've tried or think you've tried, it'll never work. so when will you know the feeling has died? or has it ever been present? let's search in our hearts. what will we find? when we're happy, we'll be filled with hopes and excitement. when we're down? we see nothing but negativity.

where love is concerned, i always thought i had it all figured out. i know, i can advise and i can 'sense' things, but that's only for others. when it comes to my own, i can't execute, i can't think, i can't do anyting right, i can't heed pple's advise, i can't even heed my own advise. I give up. I can't figure it out anymore. i think i really need a break... does it really help? i need to be away... away from things and comfort zone and really be alone. i really need to reflect and think and think and think... i need to make my brain work harder.. it's been on sebatacle for too long.

let me go to me bed and think... and think... and think... good night everyone...

and Mr Dublin!! stop wasting your money at the internet cafe!! Go back and sleep! hee hee.. nitey night.. ;)

Love sick.. :(

2006-09-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

bb left for aussie land for work and play on wed morning and i wonder how i managed to survive for so long. I felt it the very first morning when i woke up to an empty bed, no hugs, no kisses, no nothing, no seeing his sleepy "give me 5 mins" face. I was so depressed this morning(sun 6+am) that i could feel tears flowing from the corners of my eyes.. in my desperation, i smsed him, and he called me to check on me. Thanks bb.. it really helped calm my nerves a little. Of course nothing beats your presence... :)

So i got to wait till Oct 3 to see my bb again... I wish there was a forward button that i could press to fast forward till then. But then again, remember the movie "Click"? I dun think i can bear the consequences of not experiencing and appreciating life as it is... every single min and hour... and have your life "whisk by". Well.. i guess i'll just have to continue "enjoying" this time apart. One thing for sure, i'll be more appreciative of my bb from now on... I'll try to throw less tantrums, grumble less....bla bla bla... I'll shower him with all my love, care and "gifts"... hee hee

Absence does make the heart grow fonder...

..taken when we first dated..

Career's a bitch. I have no idea of what i want. I was so lost and desparate for some form of assurance that i wanted to go back to my ole job. Of course after i spoke to several pple, I decided to give myself a little more time before doing anything rash. Cos i know that once i turn back, i'll be stuck there for a long long time...

So tomorrow onwards, I'm gonna be real strict with myself... make sure i get up and get my lazy ass to work!! got my flatmate to drag me out of bed and make sure i'm standing and brush my teeth before he leaves for work. I hope it works man... damn the bloody phone alarm doesn't work on me anymore lor.

Oh.. and it's my flatmate's bday today!! Happie Birthday "mu mu"!! All the best for you "paper" on tue. Yes i forgot to mention that my flatmate is the "geeky" scientists featured in Her World (Aug) and is frantically pursuing his Phd. Best wishes mate!! GO GO GO!!!

Tomorrow is also gonna be the day when the new Singapore Idol will be revealed to all... oh how "exciting". Johnathon vs Hady. My frens and I are so excited that we're gonna have a gathering to watch the results show...omg... well... seriously, I never really enjoyed watching any episodes of the competition. The best looking i thought was Joakim, fortunately or unfortunately, he's out. Either way i think he may have a shot of further developing his skills and who knows, one day he'll make it big.. especially with his boyish looks, sure got many young gers fall for lor. Hopefully the "jue dui Superstar" will be more entertaining. I sure enjoyed following the prev run.

Gonna try and tuck myself to bed now.. if not tomorrow sure FIU again.

I trust you, bb.

I miss you, bb.

and I love you, bb.

thank you for loving me, caring for me and accepting me for who i am.

First "Training" run

2006-08-15T08:26:00.000-07:00

I'm back!! Today was my first run as "trainer" and i guess it was alright. Didn't think it was fantastic, could have been better.. oh well.. it's my first.. hopefully i'll get better in due time. Other than that, I was terribly late! woke up late (couldn't hear the alarm - i'm still not used to waking up to alarm man!), and had to pick my boss up at Buangkok from Holland V and rush to Tampines. What a morning!! and of course, for those of you who know me, I got lost in Ang Mo Kio and of course Buangkok (despite having checked the route the night before)... sigh... North and me just cannot lor...

Oh.. Rusty is now huge... does nothing but eat and eat and eat... when he's done, he'll lie there and watch tv.. and i still can't tell the sex of the rabbit... i suspect it's a girl... oh no.. do i have to rename it to Rustina? alamak...

So work has been busy busy for me and i'm beginning to feel tired again.. the dark circles are back and i kinda miss those days when i was just relaxing in one corner... but work has kept me busy and i guess good for me mentally as it works my brain a little every day..

and since i got busy at work, Vic and I have stopped our usual squabbles. I think we have learnt to treasure our precious time together, knowing we have such different work schedules. Less time we spend facing each other, we also have less chance for conflict. Unlike those days when we'll spend endless 24 hours together. We are slowly learning to spend quality time rather than quantity time together. He's also become more attentive and sensitive to my needs too.. wow...
and ya... i won't be going to australia for holiday anymore. :( But bb promised me a short trip, and we're thinking of going to Port Dickson. hee hee.. cheap and hopefully good, away from work and everything else and we'll just bask in the sun and enjoy a cocktail... hmmm and do nothing from morning till night.. shiok...

ok ok... got to go sleep now... tomorrow morning got training again and i definitely do not want to be late!! ciao....

I'm back!!

2006-07-20T10:05:00.000-07:00

Wah ha ha.. i'm back finally... how time flies.. it's been a month... and lots has happened....

To begin, Vic and I finally took that little eating spree in KL early this month.. hee.. had all the yummiest food there.. the beef noodles was fantastic and the char siew was simply heavenly... Oh and how could i forget the bak kut teh, with the crispy you tiao.. need i say more about the food in KL? I bought 2 pairs of shoes and scrambled to buy a work shirt.. (hee hee.. yes.. i started work.. surprise!!) Unfortnately, we didn't take many photos.. so sad.. but it was on the whole, a pretty fun road trip.

Next, I would like to introduce the newest member to my "family"... little Rusty!! yes.. i bought a bunny.. a real life bunny!! not the soft toy type.. hee hee.. btw, Rusty is my first pet, ever. He/she (we still can't tell the sex), is the most adorable bunny i've seen lor.. contrary to what others have told me about how bunny's stink.. my little Rusty doesn't, neither does his cage.. oh.. how lovely.. been having lots of fun watching him grow for the past 2 weeks. From a tiny little rascal... to a huge (for his tender age) little rascal.. ha ha.. but he's simply adorable.. and he simply loves to bite fingernails.. i wonder why..

"Little Rusty nestled Vic's palms"

"Little Rusty drinking from his new bottle"

Relationship wise has been great as well... after a long spate of quarrels and arguments, we finally had a talk and things have been great since. I think we are getting to understand each other better and at least I can better express little thoughts abt what upsets me. We had an amazing "date" last sunday.. went to pig out at Marina South and went bowling after that.. and darling Vic (who claims his highest score was 88), actually got a "Four Bagger"!! and his score was 152!! hee hee.. well done! It was a lovely date and i totally enjoyed myself.. see bb, that's waht i meant by "quality time".. :)

Finally, on to work... well... I'm now running 3 jobs. Hard working huh... I'm doing talent matching (or what others call head hunters), soft skills facilitator and freight forwarding (sales).
Today is a great day for me cos i closed a deal for freight forwarding (thanks Jae!! :) )and got 4 training assignments for next month. and i might be able to do a talent match soon too.. Isn't it an exciting day.. hee hee.. All you lovable frens out there.. thank you for all your support (moral support included) and help, be it giving me the job, the contacts and closing deals.. it's really great to know all of you. I'm really thankful.. Please continue to spread the word for me and hopefully... one day, i can conquer the RSAF account that i'm eyeing.. haha

but for now.. i'm gonna try and rest early.. and hopefully, tomorrow, i'll get into the office early and last the whole day! Wish me luck!

Oh what a life...

2006-06-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

so how's everyone doing? i've been busy follwing the World Cup and placing my little bets in the hopes of winning some pocket money.. but well.. up to now.. it's even stevens man.. Japan jus lost to Brazil.. so sad... did you see how 'my' Kawaguchi saved the penalty.. fwah.. he's the man!! next match Korea vs France.. i'm rooting for Korea... figured since i'm asian and i a fan of Korean dramas...

and this pesty cough of mine just wouldn't leave me.. i've been perpetually sick for the past few months.. it's either tonsilitis or fever or funny nose or this irrid cough.. and it really doesn't help having all these smoke around me.. especially from my closest 'fren' who just doesn't seem to realise that it affects me despite me dropping hints... sigh... what's wrong with pple nowadays..

i'm bored.. there's absolutely nothing to say or do... is everything just too mundane? or am i just slowing down or losing interest? Is it ever going to become more interesting? I guess i have to do something abt it.. how many times have i told myself never to depend on others to give me happiness and excitement... cos more often than not, you'll end up in disappointment cos only I know what I want!! sigh... i have to stop all this nonsense shit...

I remember i used to sit around and wait and wait and wait for my bf to keep me company... i used to shift everything aside and just wait.. and most of the time i end up being more frustrating cos the wait can be endless and yo'll end up not doing anything anyway... what a waste of time and effort... frustrating isn't it? i recall that was the time where i started to get addicted to MJ.. cos it could help me kill time and take my mind off the waiting... it works for me man... Actually, i've been trying to plan all sorts of stuff and keep myself busy.. but somehow i end up just slacking and stoning.. i have lost my motivation and drive.. desire and pleasure..sigh..

So the 2 Golden Rules
1) Never depend on others for happiness
2) Never sit around and wait for things to happen

I want to go shoe shopping!!!

"Good memories are a burden,
Losing memories is a kind of luck.." - a pessimist

i've had enuf!!

2006-05-31T09:52:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had to face the problem of thinking of what to eat everyday? ever since i moved out in Jan, everyday i have to think of what to eat... wish i was staying home.. cos mum will be the one doing all the thinking instead.. haha... miss all the yummy home cooked food...

well.. today i just got reminded of one of my ex bf... he was then a young man with a foul temper... he used to scream and shout at me for either no rhyme or reason, or over the slightest issues... and he would even lay his hands on me lor... but well.. i was a fiesty, hot tempered young lady as well la.. guess that didn't help huh... Everytime he got upset over ridiculous things i would just bite back.. after a prolonged period, i remember becoming real subdued and i chose to just keep quiet, rather than go into confrontation... Oh man... that was a really difficult time of my life...

So.. why do couples quarrel and allow themselves to get to that state? Not cool huh... I guess sometimes it's just not easy to curb your frustrations and calm down in time... damaging? VERY!!

Anger is cruel. Fury is overwhelming, but who can stand jealousy?
- Proverbs 27:4

Know what i hate most about myself? The fact that i'm a PROCRASTINATOR!! i like to leave things till the last minute.. when it becomes absolutely neccessary to get my butt moving, then i'll action... is that also how i handle my relationships? I dun like to talk till it becomes absolutely neccessary... i'm think conflict averse... haha... but i can't help not displaying my unhappiness at the same time.. it's such a struggle...

Hmm.. "Man of his word"... well.. how many of us can touch our hearts and say i'm a man of my word? I know i'll try my best to keep to my word.. but at times i guess it's just difficult.. forgetting is lame.. i know.. cos it's an excuse i use myself.. well.. just stop making empty promises then... dun say things cos they sound good and right for the moment... failure to deliver will create a deeper dent... cos it's the hopes that you've given someone and then all the disappointment... it sucks huh...

So which is better? Plan to fail or fail to plan? hmmm...

enough blabbering... anyway, my bb is sick.. hope he gets better soon.. muaks..

To Love is Nothing,
To be Loved is Something,
To Love and Be Loved is EVERYTHING!
- can't remember where i got this from....

Life is so tough...

2006-05-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

I'm overwhelmed by a strong pang of sadness... hmmm...

Wrote a whole lot of crap earlier but decided to remove them... just wasn't ready to be bombarded by questions as yet...

Life is tough.. so tough... and we just keep making it tougher for ourselves.. as if we derive the greatest pleasures from pain... Am I a subscriber of masochism?

I think that i think too much... thinking is good but not when it's excessive... it totally screws me up and gets me to the extremes.. scary... I envy those who can just live for today... live like there's no tomorrow...

right.... I shouldn't wait... I can't wait.. Time and tide waits for no man... I'm going to take that holiday trip that i've been yearning for... hmm... where should i go? Never taken a trip alone before.. (not my idea of a holiday.. i always liked to spend my holidays with at least someone)...hmm.. a beach resort will give me too much time to think even more.... BAD BAD BAD idea... I got it!!! CHINA!!! No language barrier and lots of sightseeing i guess.. and food is cheap.. BEST!! CHINA! here i come.... Hopefully, i come back feeling better.. snap out of this..

There is no remedy to love,
than to love more. - Anoynomous

It's been a while...

2006-05-21T05:34:00.000-07:00

Didn't realise that i haven't blogged for almost 2 weeks... well, my throat has fully recovered liao.. thank goodness... but ever since tonsilitis week, i haven't been able to booze anymore.. haha.. i've been avoiding alcohol especially beer.. tried a heini the other day and i almost burped out my dinner... looks like it's time to quit beer for me... so nowadays, i've been drinking wine.. but you know la... most house wines really cannot make it lor...sigh..

Last sunday, my beloved best fren, Shin, got us some VIP tics to the turf club for the SIA cup!! It was really an experience man.. this is the first time i'm there and also the first time i bet on horses.. haha.. burnt a couple of tens initially.. but i finally came up with a great strategy later on.. and that helped me recoup my losses and i ended the day breaking even... grin... bb on the other hand didn't do as well.. he was doing well some where in the middle, then i guess the little squabble changed it for both of us huh... hee hee See.. that's why i say.. no quarelling/squabbling during gambling!! no good no good!! On the whole, all of us enjoyed ourselves and had a really good time... oh i forgot to mention, there was free snacks, dinner and alcohol (dinner time)... Cool man.. hee hee

Was going through thechickenfarmer's blog earlier and i didn't realise there was so many things to do in Phuket!! I was there for a week last Aug but i really dun remember doing any sightseeing!! only remember eating and sleeping and shopping.. hee hee The hotel i stayed in was FANTASTIC lor.. and too expensive to justify not staying in the villa... had a pool in the villa.. unblocked view and great service... it was really a pamper!! but too expensive to go again.. 500USD a night man.. and we stayed 4 nights.. hee hee... thanks for the experience... but well.. i'll prob want to head to phuket again one day... to do the stuff that i didn't get to do and maybe go diving too... (and ermm... visit phi phi island??)

Unrestricted view from my pool villa!!

My humongous comfy villa...

Vic and I are progressing well.. i'm getting used to him and his funny little habits.. and we've been off the quarelling spree.. thank goodness!! Hopefully we can take a trip together soon.. feel like having some alone time with him, no work, no frens.. just US... hmmm... meanwhile.. i'll just wait for the opportune time... grin..

"Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves, does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving, whether or not the loving feeling is present." - M Scott Peck (The Road Less Travelled)

I love you bb... :)

Tonsilitis again!!!

2006-05-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

guess what... i got tonsilitis yet again.. i remember last year around feb.. i was down and out for almost 8 days lor.. fever and swollen tonsils... and it's back to haunt me man... damn.. doc says i'll have fever till wed lor.. i was like... huh.. you serious? alamak... feel like dying man...

well..at least i'll staying away from some of the vices for awhile... hopefully forever.. we'll see..

oh.. just came across something really interesting on "grey's anatomy"... this lady wants to remove her ovaries, uterus and breast... so that she won't get cancer!! huh? is that how it works nowadays? wow...

anyway, got to go rest now.. hopefully tomorrow is wed...

what a weekend!!

2006-05-02T01:53:00.000-07:00

Last fri was our "1 month".. wow.. how time flies.. well.. anyway.. thanks for the song at Timbre, it was sweet..

seems like i'm getting used to having him around in my life.. he's sometimes so endearing that i just can't stay upset for long lor.. and thanks to the ultra long weekend.. we really managed to spend lots of time together.. sure gonna miss him when he's not around.. miss waking up in his arms.. miss the goodnight and morning kisses.. miss seeing his peaceful face while he's asleep..

Just some thoughts... has anyone of you ever felt that as you fall deeper and deeper in a relationship, suddenly you just want to stay afloat.. we're afraid that as we give our heart away, the fear of unacceptance or rejection becomes stronger thus you're afraid that you'll be really hurt? In view afraid of the possible heartbreaks that we might have to face again.. we thus end up holding back again? it's a vicious cycle man!!

was browsing at Borders yesterday and came across a similar quote to what i said before...

"Yesterday is a memory,
Tomorrow a mystery
and today is a gift, that's why it's called the present." - anoynomous

Let's learn to treasure each day that we have and live life to the fullest. Let's not wake up every morning and feel pangs of regret.. we owe it to ourselves!!

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY NANA!!

A Kiss for the Birthday gal!!

FEAR!!

2006-04-26T22:57:00.000-07:00

After several attempts to stay alcohol free, i've realised that it's just not that simple.. especially since i'm the one and only person not working with lots of time to will away.... drinking and chilling out seems to be the next best thing besides tv. hmmm... and ...

so when's the little "piglet" in the room going to get his little ass out.. no idea man.. he said "give me a little while more" and it's been half an hour.. i suspect that even after i finish blogging, he'll still be snoozing away in dreamland..

well.. last friday, in my drunken stupor again... i apparently "broke up" with him?!?! omg!! after that, i was wailing and sobbing... hilarious!! so why did i do all that? Is it my subconscious in action? when he came and return my keys, i felt a 'pang' of unhappiness flowing in my blood but yet i felt so helpless.. for a moment, i wanted to believe my subconscious, but in reality, i know i couldn't bear to do it...

"Love knows not its own depth till the hour of seperation "- Kahil Gibrhan

When i woke up the next day, i felt guilt from head to toe man!! Had a major hangover.. smudged mascara.. and possibly lost a partner as well... hmmm.. thank goodness.. he decided to forgive me.. i still dun know why? and he wouldn't tell me what i said that night... it's still a mystery to me.. not fair.. everyone but me knew what i said that night... alamak...

Last night, Vic said he wants to be a player... said he's never been one.. well.. i guess there are some things that a guy would want to experience before they die huh.. I think it's time to raise a 'red flag'.. should i re-align my position??? somehow i get this "it's all coming back to me now" feeling... Is it the age? thinking? experiences in life? fantasies? what? what? what?

I remember dating this 'younger' guy when he was 25, i think, and things seemed to be going well.. and suddenly, everything was gone... till today, i still think that it was cos he could never commit, cos he still wanted to explore and play the game.. though he never admitted that to me before.. well.. heard he's dating again.. here's wishing him all the best!! grin...

I really dun know what's next.. but i know that i'm still happy for now... and the scary thing is i get happier day after day... the higher you climb, the deeper you'll fall... scary...

"Love like we've never been hurt before.." (Is this really possible?)

Bliss?!

2006-04-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

Was just reading a fren's blog and started to ponder about the things he said... he said that i didn't sound too positive about my current relationship.. is it true? well... not exactly... though i'm not getting the heart thumping feeling all the time (you know.. the extreme excitement esp during the honeymoon phase), i generally feel good and love to spend time with him.. be it simple things like watching tv, coffee, cook for him...

you see.. i figured that the heart thumping feeling of bliss is no indicator of the quality or direction of a relationship.. i recall a heart thumping relationship for 2.5 months only to end with me being miserable and upset for 2 years. On the contrary, i feel very comfortable with him now, maybe too comfortable, and i'm still learning to always communicate my feelings instead of letting stuff build up in me.. and i've begun to appreciate him more by the day.

Sometime i feel like i've known him forever, and he seems like a nice guy (at least that's what i know for now..), whether or not he turns out to be a sheep in wolf's clothing or not, i'll never know.. at least not till he wants to show it. Hopefully i won't ever have to.. I guess we're both just taking things as they come, enjoying the moment.. (though he seems to be getting more shit than me). btw, Vic, if you're reading my blog, i just want to apologise for giving you so much shit.. and hor.. sometimes i just like to 'suan' you.. no hard feelings k.. hee hee

Anyway, Congrats to Nick!! wish you all the best with Taz! :) I believe anyone on this planet is much better than the bitch I am la..

Cheers to those who have "loved and died".

"... tomorrow will be a better day cos yesterday is something we can't change..." Mellow 2002

The trouble with Woman or ME?!!

2006-04-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

Am i really a tough nut to crack? Is it just me and the way i handle relationships? why huh?

Have you ever complained about lack of affection or pampering and when you get it, you're in denial? Your boyfren tells you 'you're beautiful' and you just want to laugh it off and refuse to believe that it's the truth cos you think that he's just being nice? hmmm...

It must be really frustrating for the guy if he really meant it huh... well.. maybe i'm just jaded.. good guys, bad guys alike.. just no confidence to commit or to trust completely... omg.. am i commitment phobic? hmmm.. like that how la... I can't live without love and companionship.. but i can't commit.. but yet need my partner to be committed. Double standards lor!!

aiyo.. stress... I think i have too much pride.. some kind of self defence mechanism set up to prevent myself from being hurt.. but come on.. let's face it.. it's all on the front only.. inside it still hurts like F*^#!! Sigh...

maybe i really have a problem? well.. and maybe i just Worry too much.. maybe if i get myself busy then i won't have time to think rubbish...

"I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair..."

SNAG or snack?

2006-04-14T21:43:00.000-07:00

didn't realise that time pass so quickly... i've been wanting to blog but just couldn't find the time or energy.. kind of ironic for a "lady of leisure" huh....

SNAG - Sensitive New Age Guy - Do they exist? How do you know if he's a SNAG? Everyone claims to be one but who can really qualify that statement?

Are woman attracted to SNAGs? For a moment, i felt that Chivalry was dead.. then i got bombarded by all the men out there... and i thought for another moment and realise that... Hey!! actually there are chivalrous people out there.. just because the guy i'm dating is not, doesn't mean that they doesn't exist.

So, is chivalry important? I never thought of it as a 'criteria' of my partner.. maybe cos i've always taken for granted the chivalry showered upon me.. but now that i dun have it, i'm sooo craving for it.. sigh.. IS this going to be my next stumbling block? Could it be that humans are never happy with what they have.. you know.. kind of like the grass is greener on the other side kind of thingy.. hmmm..

Why do people have a 'list' to quantify and qualify the qualities of their partner? It doesn't work that way... first it was "ambitious" that i wanted.. then when the next one comes along.. it'll change to "passion " for his work.. just to suit and describe the newbie.. hmmm.. no wonder they say woman are fickle.. ha ha .. So, i've realised that this list thingy doesn't serve any purpose at all lor. Attraction is just some kind of chemistry that cannot be defined by a list of adjectives!

Attraction is just some kind of chemistry that cannot be defined by a list of adjectives! You like means like.. dun like means dun like... he may be the best guy around or one that totally fits your list, no attraction means no attraction...

Isn't it amazing how relationships begin from this undefinable chemistry between 2 people...

Rejection...

2006-03-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

Was reading sanjing's blog earlier and he mentioned about females making the first move.. well.. and i agree with him that the difficult part about making the first move is FEAR of REJECTION!! Which is why i always call myself 'chicken shit' when my frens encourage me to make the first move...

As i recall.. i 've done this maybe 3 times in my life.. the first time: he was pretty nice about it and we exchanged numbers, had very fun and long 'chat' sessions on the phone but during our first date, we had absolutely nothing to say to each other.. geez.. it was damn ackward lor.. so obviously there was no happy ending...

the second time: was a fren's fren.. although we always hang out as a group, i never really had the chance to get closer to him cos he graduated one year before us and the rest of us were still in NUS... then one night.. i remember i was at zouk and he turned up as well.. so it was a good opportunity for me to tell him that i liked him.. so my frens kept making me drink cos i just didn't have the courage to tell him.. finally.. in my tipsy state, i told him that i liked him and somehow, i remember him sending me home that night for the first time.. and we had a good talk... sometime later, we dated for about 8 months (i think) and then things didn't work out.. so well.. btw, i was dumped by him lor.. (my first time getting dumped) i was damn hunged up over him.. sigh..

the third time: not too long ago.. as usual, i 'chicken shit' right.. so my buddy went up to him and got his number... so i text him the next day and chatted on msn.. then i decided to ask him out for coffee... well.. seems like a nice guy but he's very slow in responding to sms.. think he's really busy or maybe not interested lor.. dun even see him on msn anymore.. (hoping that he's just busy.. keep fingers crossed).. but not very positive signs...

So you see... after 3 not so ideal and painful attempts... it'll be really difficult to make the first move again... "Nothing to lose, and everything to gain"? well.. remains to be proven, in my case... i wouldn't exactly say i lost my heart... but i definitely lost some courage there... what did i gain? REJECTION? geez...

well... went to NUS last night to study for my GMAT.. my oh my... where did my RBR go?!?! the place changed so much and there are so many new buildings.. but i still miss the good old NUS, with my char kway teow auntie bouncing as she cook and my fave corn dessert.. hmmm.. but i miss my RBR most! that's where i spent most of my uni days.. looking forward to go to school everyday to plant myself at the bench outside RBR and wait for the 'ging gang' to slowly trickle in.. the minute there's four of us, we'll be playing Bridge and destroying out lungs and skipping lectures cos i couldn't bear to leave my game.. hee hee Thank goodness i have a great best fren who copies all the lecture notes and shares with me...

enough rambling for now..

"Love is like a Brownie Cheese Cake" - W Shin Y
... the first bite is heavenly... after awhile, it loses it's appeal and taste...

Study? Study! Study...

2006-03-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

Well.. i've been toggling with the idea of going back to school for some time now and seeing my 2 beloved frens mugging over their assignment makes me wonder if i really should.. and i've never been a fan exams anyway.. sigh.. dilemma.. and now worse still, got to work and study part time.. i have to be damn disciplined lor.. means no more partying, salsa-ing, mahjong-ing... oh no!! lemme go think again man... anyway, just want to wish my beloved NUS frens (Jay, Nic, Genie, Matrix...)and my new found fren in SMU (Tim) all the BEST!!

Nic, after completing his essay...

Jay, still stressing.. :)

Love vs Infatuation

2006-03-19T11:45:00.000-08:00

What's up with me?

What's love and what's infatuation?

Infatuation: attraction at first sight to someone and you get the butterflies in the stomach feeling? and your heart skips a beat now and then.. keep thinking about the person and wondering what he/she is doing? makes you forget all the pain that you're going through and live for the moment? makes your heart beat faster each time you hear you phone beep.. hoping it will be him/her.. and when it is, you'll grin from ear to ear? WOW...amazing..

Romantic Love: sacrifice and commitment? Loyalty? Understanding and good communication? compromise?

so is it true that infatuation is a feeling and love is an action?

must you go thru infatuation before you see the love? can there be love without infatuation?

geez.. thousand and one questions.. why is it so difficult to comprehend?

well.. i feel that before i love someone, there must be attraction.. either physical or mental. So he's either physically appealing (not neccessarily good looking), or he intrigues my mind. After establishing that there are mutual feelings for each other, we then make the conscious decision to love.. that's when all the sacrifice and commitment come in..

that's also when couples start to argue about the most nonsensical stuff.. and communication will play an even bigger part.. i've realised that most of my failed relationships have been due to my lack of communication.. why? why do i fail to communicate? prob cos i'm afraid to express my opinions for fear of non-acceptance.. well, i've finally realised that this is a terrible terrible mistake.. so for all the couples out there... please dun be shy to express how you feel, cos your partner will never know what you're thinking unless you share your thoughts.. remember.. men are from mars and woman are from venus!!

well.. gonna try and stop thinking so much.. love is too diffficult to grasp.. i'll leave it to fate la.. i'll take whatever God gives me..cos he knows best ya?!

gonna try and finish my book by Dale Carnegie. highly recommended by my astro palmist cos he thinks i worry too much...

to all those who love and died.. it's now time to revive.. remember: LOVE CONQUERS ALL!

Lost

2006-03-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

geez... i'm so lost in my life now... i need to find my direction soon.. before i just fade away...

Yummy Weekend...

2006-03-13T06:59:00.000-08:00

whoa... it's been a busy weekend for me..

was at Timbre last fri and guess who we saw there??? we saw Stephanie Sun and Tanya Chua... and they went on stage to sing for us too... pretty good.. oh and by the way.. Stephanie is really very skinny lor.. anywaze, Ngak is doing a really good job there too.. crooning and entertaining us, as always... keep up the good stuff!! :)

Thanks Ruth for the wonderful oxtail dinner on saturday.. sorry i didn't really help out.. i was really damn tired.. next time ok? and come to think of it.. it's also the first time i've riden in Jason Chan's car (after knowing him for 11 years).. btw, the car is really smooth and powerful.. good choice! vroom vroom...

Sunday was great too la... wanted to go to Red Star for tim sum, but there wasn't any parking.. so we ended up at Botanic Gardens (les amis) for a sumptuous meal... the salad was yummy! and Thanks Jason (Wan) for the delicious Tortellini soup and salmon teh maki.. slurp slurp..

it's been a yummy weekend and of course quite an intoxicated one as well.. gonna cut down on the alcohol intake for this week... my stomach is really complaining lor...

You know... when i was still in the Air Force, all i thought of was when can i take a really long break and catch up on some sleep and hang out with my frens and hopefully i'll get to do some travelling and diving.. it's been a month plus and i still haven't made any travelling plans.. sigh.. just not the right weather lor.. i dun like to travel during winter.. guess i'll have to shelve my travelling plans till later then.. (hopefully i'll not be too tied down in my next career move)

having 'nua-ed' since mid december.. i'm beginning to get tired of rotting in front of the tv and hanging out.. feels like i'm losing zest.. i need to get busy with work, to keep my brains functional, rush to meet deadlines, work under stress and pressure.. whoah.. hee hee.. geez.. some people are just meant for such 'hard-knocked lives' huh... guess that's ME! lor..how sad...

well.. haven't really decided what job i'm looking for.. so if you guys/gals got any good suggestions.. i'll be grateful... got to go flip the classifieds...

have a whacky week ahead!!

mel

Maiden Post....

2006-03-08T11:17:00.001-08:00

geez... where do i begin...

well.. i was never a 'IT' person and i guess all my frens would never imagine me to blog.. don't know what's gotten over me, but after reading my fren's blogs, just thought it's about time to start one of my own..

Oh and guess what? i had to engage my ex-bf, who's living half the world away from me to help.. geeez.. pathetic or what? anywaze, thanks vince! :)

quick update: yes, i left the Air Force and have been bumming around for a month.. the thought was pretty exciting initially, but now... i'm just BORED!! i need a job.. to keep my mind going as well as to fill my pockets.. hee hee Taking things easy for the moment and hopefully, i'll find a job that i'll really love! (still figuring out) Thanks Larry, Jason, Shin, Julia and Nicholas for all your job recommendations.. we'll see how things go, ya? :)

Just got back from Balaclava, slightly tipsy but in just the right mood to write.. just wanted to say thanks to 'Armour' for always jioing me out for drinks... really appreciate it.. hope we can go diving together soon.. keep me informed k.. dun forget me hor.. once 'mellow' always 'mellow'(but now better mellow cos ORD loh...) hee hee and i want to say.. i really miss working with you guys.. well.. i'll leave the air force mushy to another day....

and nice meeting you guys and gals... James, Cavin, Charles, Cheryl and Stephanie... hopefully, it's not the last.. :)

Recently, i've been hearing too many stories about sad love lives and marraiges... why? why? oh why? Is it pre-destined? Is our life mapped out the minute we entered this world? who knows? Is there really 'the one'?

There's just been too much in my life currently to complete in this one post... so i'll just keep the juicy stuff for later..

Stay tuned..

and for all the broken hearted... you are not alone... i'll be here if you need a listening ear.. always..

mel

2006-03-08T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hellow WOrld!